Where have I been? I’ve been hibernating for the past six months. It’s the only way I can explain it. Everything I’ve done has been safe, either involving family or my best friend. Why?
I’ve been hibernating now that the dust has settled after my brother’s passing. The first year after, my emotions were very heightened, I was still in shock and trying very hard to simply escape the pain. But in the second year, I went numb on the inside. I couldn’t feel excited or happy about anything anymore, and it scared me. I was in constant fight or flight mode, not being able to relax in the fear that if I did, another shit storm would happen. And to be honest, it’s something I’ve been feeling since high school, but now it was unstoppable. It didn’t begin to let up until recently, when I turned 29, regressed to 21 and had an embarrassing night after too many glasses of Knob Creek, and then dealing with the fall out for about a week afterwards.
The problem, I realized (with the help of a very patient best friend who may or may not have woken up to a barrage of texts detailing my issues,) is that I don’t really deal with anything. I go to work, I say and do the right things, but at the end of the day, I just don’t deal with anything, so when a high stress occasion is on the horizon (usually a holiday or a birthday or the anniversary,) all my issues just come out full force, resulting in an emotional breakdown that makes me physically ill. I seem to be all over the place and resort to bad habits, self destructive habits (in my case, settling for a one time fling with a sub-par man) and I can’t take it anymore. It’s not healthy, and I certainly don’t want to be like this in my thirties!
So, I’ve decided that I will make 29 the year I get fine. Not cured, not invincible, not crazy. It’s going to take time, but I need to make a stronger effort in order to get my life back, to deal with my issues in a healthy way and to not get so bogged down. Part of the sadness on my 29th birthday was because I felt so stunted and I’m not where I feel I should be. I know, I know, it’s not a race, but I need to stop hibernating and start living, get back to things I used to love while challenging myself, starting with this here blog. Although I may not have a permanent professional writing home anymore, I still have a lot to say and need to say it.